Friday, July 21, 2006

Tasteful Rules of Summer

In response to all the barfugly whoreanus outfits I've seen people attempt to pull together this summer, I offer this primer on summer attire:

1) Bottoms and footwear combinations. There are certain shoe and pant combinations that may never be worn in the summer without looking like a cheap Nicky Hiltonesque whore. For shorts, in general, the shorter the leg, the more casual and comfortable the heel. For example, short-shorts (anything falling no more than 3 inches to the hem) may NEVER be worn with any form of high heel. Spike heels and shorts make for a tasteless mistake, on the same level as Mariah Carey. In any case, shorts of any length may usually be worn with any of the following:
- Wedges, especially wooden wedges or espadrille wedges. Natural material heels look very fresh and summery and entirely non-whorish. Do not confuse sandals with wooden heels for wedges. Regardless of the natural material, if the heel is not a wedge, it will still looks horrendous. You'll look like Beyonce in the worst way possible.
- Summery flats or sandals. The key word is 'summery.' A sandal is not summery if it has more than a kitten heel (about 1", maybe 1.5" absolute tops).
- Flip-flops, most especially for the under-18 crowd, on whom improper heels too often look whorish.
As for skirts, they should never be more than a couple of inches above the knee and never hit much below the knee in the summer. Pair them with wedges, summery flats or sandals, but please no flip-flops. The look is too sloppy with a skirt.
For jeans, wear anything sleek, but avoid anything whorish. To explain all the jeans rules would take a whole separate primer.

2) UNDERGARMENTS ARE REQUIRED. Yes, bras and panties are pretty much required at all times in all places, no matter the weather. Unless you're wearing a swimsuit, there should be a bra under your shirt. Why? First of all, not wearing a bra leads to nasty, saggy chests. Secondly, it just looks so trashy and foul. Especially if there's air conditioning, in which case you'll look doubly-whorey. So please, don't leave the house without a bra on. Panties too, especially if you're wearing a skirt. Please. Thank you.

3) No short hair. Cutting your hair supershort really won't keep your head that much cooler than it was before. And even if it does, the absolute horrendous new look you'll end up with will counter any such comfort, because people will be too busy confusing you for some crazy dyke. Please don't cut your hair too short. If the back of your neck is hot, then a ponytail is more than perfectly acceptable. Exception: if you are Natalie Portman or otherwise posess heavenly perfect facial features and structure, then go right ahead and do as you please. But that's probably not you.

4) Sundresses. Tricky subject, because it depends so much on the person wearing them. They weren't exactly meant for people with large chests. And make sure it isn't too short or too long. Just above the knee is usually a good, safe length. They can be great summer attire, but please follow the undergarment rule and never wear a sundress without a bra or underwear. It's really just tacky. Whoranus nasty. Just don't do it.

5) Swimsuits. I'm sad to inform most of America that they really shouldn't be wearing bikinis. I don't understand why so many people think they'll be flattering or sexy. If you have a little paunch or in any way do not fit sleekly into the bikini without skin or stomach or anything extending past the edges, then please understand that there are much more flattering options. Soft bellies are gross. Cover them up please. People underestimate the allure of one pieces, as well as two pieces with more coverage (like tankinis). Not only will all imperfections melt away into the suit, making you look better than you better than before, but you also avoid any accidental slippage from not wearing a suitable bikini for your maritime activities.

That's it for now. Maybe more to come later as I see more offensive outfits...

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